Notes of a non-native parent

 

[Parent and child trying to comunicate*]

The immigrant experience has many aspects and layers. One area in which even long-term immigrants feel like “a stranger in a strange land” (to quote Heinlein) is parenting. Immigrant parents are often at a loss what to do in their adopted culture. More significantly, their children discover that fact very quickly. This lack of clear hierarchy changes the nature of interaction with our children and affects parental roles.

As an example, I have an American father and French mother, grew up in the US and have lived in Israel for some 33 years but came here as an adult. I was fortunate to marry and raise a daughter here, now 25 years old. She and I just took our annual camping trip on the Dan river in northern Israel and ran into a problem of an absurd rule at the site, a bit like Woody Allen’s executive order to speak Swedish in Bananas. My daughter told me to let her handle it and negotiated/argued with management until it agreed to ignore the rule. I, her father, sat back and watched her, knowing that she is far more skillful in navigating Israeli waters than I am. Facts are facts but, somehow, it does bother the parental ego. Considering my position as a non-native father, I see how my foreignness has impacted issues of language and culture but also enriched our lives.

Coming from four generations of immigrant parents, my family having a tendency to change countries for one reason or another, I was always aware of language discrepancies. Specifically, children at a very young age often already  speak more accurately than their parents and have no compunction in correcting them. My daughter from the age of 8 already noticed my mistakes. Today, despite my rather rich Hebrew, she handles voice and digital communication, i.e., phone matters with authorities and services of all kinds, when we are together. I have to admit that she is far more efficient and effective although I do believe that I can communicate the issues. One obstacle may be that people worldwide assume having an accent means that the person is stupid, to be blunt, with the possible exception of Henry Kissinger and Einstein, who sounded and were considered quite intelligent. As the adult in the equation, immigrant parents have to accept that their children speak and write better than they do regardless of the fact that it somehow reduces their personal standing. I suppose that my daughter’s occasional grimacing at my Hebrew is due punishment for my making fun of my mother’s pronunciation mistakes. There is some kind of ultimate justice, albeit even slower than the human justice system.

On a more insidious note, not having grown up in a culture as a child means that an immigrant does not fully understand the unspoken code of behavior. Cultural rules of communication are so complicated that adult analysis is insufficient in terms of attaining full assimilation of the code. In some ways, immigrant parents cannot shed all elements of the old country. For example, all communication involves explicit and implicit elements, including message, seriousness and ultimate intent. Not having grown up in Israel, I tend to misinterpret how much bluff there is in Israeli conversation and how “flexible” rules are. In terms of negotiating bureaucracy and attaining goals, it is fortunate that both my wife and daughter are “locals” but in terms of self-respect, it is not always easy on the pride. As an extreme example, older Ethiopian males that immigrated to Israel have suffered greatly from the loss of the prestige they held in their native society as they neither understand the language or culture of their new country and are entirely dependent on their family, even to read a letter. This cultural deficiency potentially has a far greater impact than the language issues.

Yet, in many ways, this dialogue between immigrant parent and native child is an enriching experience. Children expose aspects of the adopted world as they go through their journey from infancy to adulthood. These aspects include songs, beliefs, behaviors and special events, all experienced vicariously. In the other direction, immigrant parents imprint on their children a knowledge of worlds and morays that may not always fit their native society but serve them well in other places. I am proud to say that my daughter is far more polite and, in many ways, more confident than many of her peers, knowing the importance of saying thank you, respecting her elders, if only on the basis of their age, and with less gender-defined limits. Her world view goes far beyond the small world of northern Israel. She is aware of the relatively free world of Los Angeles in terms of behavior and sense of style that is France, including shops with smelly cheese. This knowledge probably means that she too will become an immigrant parent but that is her choice. The foreign culture I imprinted on her at least has given her a choice in life, a problematic gift but nevertheless a rich inheritance. We both have profited from our cultural exchange.

Clearly, there is a very high number of households with at least one immigrant parent worldwide with each having its own personal story. Still, clearly a foreign parent creates a different house and world view as compared to a native one although not necessarily an easier experience. As both such a child and parent, I can say that, while there is a price, especially in childhood, for growing up “different”, the cross culturization is an enriching experience. I would not have it any other way even if I have to let my daughter sometimes do the talking for me. Such adjustments are all part of the immigrant experience.

 

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Going native

Natural and foreign are relative concepts.  A good example of that is my personal perception of foreign language use in Israel. I will explain.

Hebrew is official language and, more importantly, the language of daily use for almost 75% of the residents of Israel.  Thus, in contrast to pre-State Israel, speaking Hebrew is a natural act for most Israelis.

 Likewise, at the college where I teach, Muslim, Christian and Druze Arabs speak Arabic to each other as they would do naturally in their own villages and families.  That makes complete sense.

In my neighborhood, there are many Ethiopians. In the morning, I can hear from my office the older generation talking to each other in Amharit as they sit on the benches surrounding the playground.  Many barely know Hebrew. So, Amharit as a language belongs to Israel.

Likewise, in cafes and squares, older Hungarians and Romanians sit and discuss the world in their mother tongue as they have for some 50 years, at least.  As the song notes, this is a tradition.

French is also heard throughout Israel. Older immigrants from North Africa and recent ones from France are more comfortable using their mother tongue than their adopted tongue, something I can understand.

In ultra-religious neighborhoods throughout Israel, but mainly in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and Zefat, the street language is Yiddish because Hebrew is a holy language that should not be used on banal matters. While I would disagree politically, I have to respect a person’s choice to use a language.

All this brings us to English. Immigrants from numerous English-speaking countries have come to Israel, including myself.  Many came as families with English as the language of communication in the house. Not only that, there is no need to learn Hebrew as almost everybody can understand English. Yet, for some reason, I find the use of English in the street foreign and even offensive, however illogical that is.

The only reason I can find for this feeling is that I am imposing my ideology on my fellow Anglo-Saxons. Specifically, I came to Israel determined to be Israeli and use Hebrew in my personal life.  While I teach English in English, I have always spoken Hebrew with my family and friends. It is a matter of pride. I find it lazy and unacceptable for English speaking immigrants not to try to speak Hebrew. Of course, I don’t hold that standard to speakers of other languages.  That is another story, isn’t it? So, I concur with Bertrand Russel who said, “"Man is a rational animal — so at least I have been told.”

[Rendering of an ancient picture of the Tower of Babel from a 2500 year old, one of four such images from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2080375/One-earliest-drawings-Tower-Babel-ancient-stone-tablet.html]

The Foreign Feeling

Millions of people have immigrated as adults to countries whose official language is different from theirs.  The minute they say they open their mouths, people identify them as foreigners, regardless of how many years they have lived in that country.  As a personal example, my mother has lived in the United States for over 60 years while I am in Israel for 25 years.  We are still foreigners and identified as such.  Our experience applies to the millions of immigrants around the world.

Israelis are very accepting of immigrants since almost everybody is not more than a generation or two removed from that status.  Still, without intending to offend, some Israelis treat non-natives in frankly annoying ways. For example, they significantly slow down their speech and use overly simple words, as if we are small children with limited understanding. In other cases, they switch to my native tongue, English, not even giving me a chance to prove that I know Hebrew. The most annoying comment I have received is “You still have an accent.”  Most people who immigrated as adults keep their native accent to one degree or another, without any connection to their knowledge of the language.  Henry Kissinger was a good example of that.

Other attitudes don’t bother me.  I have no problem with a mortgage counselor reminding me to ask if I have any question. Even native Israelis have problem with legal/banking language, incidentally my specialization in translating. I don’t mind friends correcting my Hebrew mistakes.  Otherwise, how would I improve my language?   I find it completely natural to ask a native speaker to review anything I write in Hebrew.  I want to make a good impression and know that pride has a heavy price.  So, I ask my wife to edit my Hebrew.

So, for most immigrants who came as adults, the second language never completely becomes the first language.  We have our mistakes, hesitations, and accents, which nothing to do with our intelligence or knowledge of the language itself.  As Aretha Franklin sang so well, all immigrants want R E S P E C T.

Reflections on a Trip to L.A.

It would seem to imply that to live in a country over a long period of time would encompass all aspects of that country, including speaking the language.  That would seem especially true for an immigrant country like the United States, where the only factor in common among people could be speaking English.

In fact, what struck me on my trip was the lack of “English immersion” in the United States.  I knew that many people lived in Spanish or other language ghettos, but to see it in practice was a bit shocking.  Large numbers of people who have lived in the United States for 20+ years are unable to understand a simple conversation in English.  In many cases, these English non-functional people came in the 20’s or 30’s or even were born there!  As an immigrant to Israel, I made it my highest priority to function in Hebrew.  It seems to me to be a basic part of participating in society.

By contrast, I saw some Turks at the airport in Istanbul who spoke German like a German because they were German in the sense of fully living in Germany.  I have seen Africans speak much better French than most French people themselves.  In Israel, there are older immigrants, such as Ethiopians and Russians, who because of their surroundings and age, find it difficult to speak Hebrew.  However, most younger immigrants quickly and willingly learn to function in Hebrew. 

I would be curious to hear other people’s reaction and exposure to this phenomenon.