Last week, in the middle of a long drive home back to
northern Israel, I got annoyed, very annoyed, due to the poor service at a restaurant.
I got up from my seat, not once but twice, went to the cashier area and stated
in a loud voice such that everybody in the whole restaurant could hear that I
still had not received my salad. Some of you may find my behavior exaggerated
while others may completely relate to my actions. That difference in opinion reflects
the fact that culture dictates the appropriate way to express dissatisfaction,
a language that is learned at home and through exposure to society. The
complicating factor is that almost all societies are multi-ethnic, making it
impossible to assume a common language and creating misunderstandings and
failed messages. In my case, I have learned to communicate á la Israel.
If it is human to err, it is even more human to become
annoyed with your fellow homo sapiens. The challenge is to express that
annoyance without creating the potential for violence. At the minimum level,
salespeople in certain cities, formally obliged to remain polite with customers, are experts
in rolling their eyes when the potential buyer becomes too demanding, at least
in their view. Likewise, the French have the amazing ability to insult you
using the most polite and elegant language, becoming completely formal in their
address as in “Madame, je regrette que vous ne trouviez pas la couleur que vous
désirez. Madame, je suggère que vous essayez à un autre magasin.“, (In English,
“Ma’am, I am sorry that you cannot find the color you want. Ma’am, I suggest
you try another store.”), of course, in the most correct possible tone. The
English, as a rule, tend to prefer understatement: “Waiter, the steak is a bit
overcooked.”, meaning it is dead three times over. Americans are more over the
top if still civil: “The steak is overcooked! Bring me a properly cooked one”.
Alas, with many Israelis as well as other Mediterranean people, this relatively
polite approach will not always create sufficient momentum; sometimes a bit of drama is necessary, which some people find acceptable and even
amusing. No feelings are hurt. In each of the approaches, the annoyed and the
annoyer receive the same message.
People do not learn the code at school, at least not
in the classroom, but at home and in their neighborhood. Children carefully
observe their parents and neighbors interact, paying attention to the choice of
words, tone and physical expression. For example, children watching their
mother tell a neighbor not to leave her garbage outside the door of her
apartment note the expressions and intonation used to communicate their mother’s
annoyance as well as the neighbor’s reaction. Parent-teacher conferences are excellent
primers in the fine art of communicating negativity. “Your son needs to control
his urge to talk to his friends during class” expresses the same message as “Your
son needs to stop talking in class” and even “Your son disturbs the class with
his talking”, but each has its nuances. By the time we reach adulthood, we
learn how to acceptably express our unhappiness.
The major problem for societies is that almost every
country is now multiethnic and, thus, a hodgepodge of communication codes. The
United States, Australia, Israel and the UK are immigrant societies with people
having quite varying degrees of assimilation and exposure to the native
culture. Even traditionally more homogenous societies, such as France and the Scandinavian
countries, have become multiethnic. This blending, regardless of the benefits it
brings, creates situations where misunderstandings occur, i.e., one party
perceives the behavior as rude or even threatening when there was no such intention.
Neither person fully understands the other person’s code, which leads to conflict.
Fortunately for the world, it is possible to learn the code at any age and
consciously choose a successful strategy when expressing unhappiness or grasp what
the annoyed party meant by making allowance for the other way. Live and learn.
As for the restaurant scene, I did receive my salad,
albeit a rather poor one, but did not leave a tip. The manager came by and
mumbled a few words of apology but did not offer to drop the charge for the dish.
Ultimately, we understood each other but did not overreact, a positive
situation as far as society is concerned. So, rude is as rude is perceived. That
interpretation is a learned art.
