Yahrzeit – Thoughts one year after my father’s death

 

In Judaism, the one-year anniversary of person’s death is an important milestone, representing the end of bereavement and a time for contemplation. My father, Melvyn Spector Rifkind, died last year on June 14 (22 Sivan) at the age of 95 from complications from a stroke. Since then, through conversation and filed-away papers, I, his youngest son, have learned much both about him and myself. This deepening understanding of who he was has led me to a greater sense of thanks, appreciation and acceptance.

Thanks: I can thank my father for providing for us financially, instilling important values and preparing us to be adults. While he never achieved his dream financial goal, he made sure that neither my mother nor I and my brother will want of money. He was a brilliant investor to his last days, outperforming industry experts. Careful in his investments, he almost never fell in love with them and knew when to sell. Furthermore, he taught by example that we should work hard, honestly and ethically to advance ourselves and that the means are no less important the goal. Finally, he succeeded in one of the hardest tasks parents have: preparing their children to stand on their own feet. It is painfully ironic that the litmus test of effective parenting is no longer being needed. Children need to learn how to make our own decisions, learn from our errors and accept responsibility. For this education, I am grateful.

Appreciation: I have also learned to appreciate his achievements, modesty and wisdom. My father, like most of his generation, has a difficult childhood, having to deal with poverty, immigrant parents, and World War II.  He succeeded in becoming a journalist and later a top figure in financial public relations and began a new life in Los Angeles with almost no money in his pocket. He fought in the Ardennes (Battle of the Bulge) and Metz, experiences that marked him for life. Yet, he never talked either about his difficulties or his successes. He exemplified that idea that rewards, whether financial or public recognition, are not the goal in life but instead tools to help create a good life for his family and the community. He generously gave to charity but quietly filed away the letters of gratitude he received. The world was not about him but our role in it. Finally, I have discovered how many of my attitudes came from him. He did not believe that people fundamentally change, a bit like Emile Zola, but accepted people as they were, warts and all. His few close friends were intelligent and generous. Without being rude, he chose not share his time with fools and buffoons. I fully understand and agree.

Acceptance: In this year, I have accepted his death and am happy that he died before corona would have completely isolated him from all that he loved. I also know that he was thoroughly familiar with the strengths and weakness of his sons. Our failure to meet his hopes at any given time may have saddened or angered him for a moment, but he moved on and continued to believe in us, never saying "I told you so". He did not try to change us but instead accentuated the positive, as the song goes. I have strived to apply this approach when raising my own daughter. Being similar in nature, I saw many of his shortcomings even while he was alive and viewed them as an essential part of him. However, I now better understand their origin and their place. As Edith Piaf, there is nothing to regret.

 In English, the phrase for deceased people is “May they rest in peace” while in Hebrew it is “May their memory be blessed”. To my father, I can say that you can rest in peace because your memory is blessed.

The Wisdom of our Fathers

Happily, I am not writing an obituary.  I have just returned from visiting my father, who is recovering from a fall that led to a hip replacement and a stroke.  In March, he will turn 95 years old. I spent much time with him at the rehab center. As I sadly left the center to return to Israel, he strongly informed me that he had many birthdays in front of him and not to worry. Whether this is true, neither he nor I can know for certain but optimism is the key for most successes in life, including living.

My father is not a great talker but expresses himself through action. Considering his business success, his life journey provides keys for success for any entrepreneur that wants to make it. He began as a journalist at the AP, where he learned how to write well and under pressure, an important basic skill.  He did his underpaid and overworked apprenticeship in public financial relations (preparing quarterly and annual reports and investor relations) with a large firm in New York, learning the trade. Before he struck out on his own, he had mastered the basics of the business.

Armed with this knowledge, optimism and a small nest egg, he set for Los Angeles and set up his own company. The market was ideal as Los Angeles was an affordable, growing city at the time.  Moreover, he carefully chose his clients, looking for solid reputations, intelligent management and long-term perspective and avoiding well-paying but notorious companies. He was careful in his promises and but gained a reputation for honesty and efficacy, which led to more customers. Ultimately, he created the largest private Financial PR company in the West Coast. Careful consideration and planning made that possible.

Yet, money was not the only factor motivating his actions.  Offered the opportunity to also manage another office in Chicago, he declined it because he did not want to spend half a week away from his family.  As he grew older, he retired gradually, initially selling his shares to this partner but keeping an office, followed by renting an office in a building near his home, until he eventually withdrew from the whole business.  However, the knowledge and skills he attained have helped him remain an astute investor, always looking at the management and industry and checking the numbers very carefully.  Many a pension fund manager would envy his results. More importantly, managing his portfolio has given him a reason to get up in the morning and raison d’etre for being even as he became handicapped physically. As in sports, it is as important to know how to retire as is it to start the career. Family and personal happiness are of no less importance than income.

In short, an entrepreneur must apply preparation, careful action and long-term planning to achieve success, then and now.  I cannot say that I did so nor did I understand or even appreciate his success.  Alas, it is often too late until we appreciate the wisdom of our fathers.

The fifth commandment, as times goes by

There is a story I remember reading in my youth, apparently originally compiled by the Grimm Brothers, about giving a half blanket to an aging grandparent and keeping the other half for the parent when he becomes old and useless. (https://spellbinders.org/story/old-grandfather-and-the-half-blanket/) The morale of the story is that the grandson will treat his parents just like his father treated his father, i.e., by sending him away when he becomes old and useless.

Times have changed but human nature has not. We learn human relations, especially patterns of family interaction, from example, not words.  We do as we see, not as we are told. As my parents are now in their 90’s, I observe with amusement as I am doing as my parents do.

My paternal grandmother lived a long and not so happy life as did her many brothers and sisters, almost all reaching the age of 90+. She suffered from several serious diseases and psychologically found it difficult to deal the change in values in the 1960’s. In simple terms, she was a good, honest woman who could be difficult to deal with. My parents called her and her sister, who lived with her, at least once a day, drove them to and fro all holiday occasions, a 45-minute drive each way, and accompanied them through medical tribulations. While as a kid I “sort of” understood how much patience and energy this requires, I now realize that is was labor of love and duty.  Not only that, they never complained about this duty, accepting it as a part of life.

My maternal grandmother had even a harder life and was even more unhappy.  She was, well, Polish.  For those unlucky enough not to experience a Polish compliment, here is an example: You look good today, much better than yesterday. She used to call my mother every day at 8:00 and report all the disasters of the morning to my mother, which earned her the epithet bonnes nouvelles, good news in French. Needless to say, I could immediately identify a conversation with her by my mother lighting a cigarette.  Still, my parents did the same for her as they did for my other grandmother.  My step grandfather, a man whose major positive attribute is that he adored my grandmother, also lived to his 90’s. My mother and aunt made sure that he was well taken care of and visited him regularly.

Now, I live in Israel while my parents live in LA. Every night, we speak around 20 minutes on the phone. I fly to Los Angeles, a hellishly long flight, twice a year and have done so for over 28 years. In a modern twist, I now order items online for them. Fortunately, they have not had too many hospital visits, all things considered, although my father has had his scary moments. My brother has been there for those times.  My mother still drives and handles the frequent doctor visits. On the whole, my parents have required much more emotional than physical support.

This post is neither to complain nor to praise myself but to try to understand my willing choice to invest precious resources, i.e., time and money, on my parents.  That the fifth commandment exists does not obligate anybody, even the religious. Our decision to respect our parents, even when they could be viewed as a burden, is significantly based on example. Maybe, as the story suggests, we should honor our parents to make sure that our children honor us. I see the dutiful behavior of my daughter, now 21 years old, towards her grandparents and parents, with all of whom she has serious issues, and see that she is observing that commandment: Respect your father and mother. It could be said that investing in our parents is long term savings account, with very high interest, whose fruits we only see as time goes by.

My paternal grandmother and her sister

My maternal grandparents