The fifth commandment, as times goes by

There is a story I remember reading in my youth, apparently originally compiled by the Grimm Brothers, about giving a half blanket to an aging grandparent and keeping the other half for the parent when he becomes old and useless. (https://spellbinders.org/story/old-grandfather-and-the-half-blanket/) The morale of the story is that the grandson will treat his parents just like his father treated his father, i.e., by sending him away when he becomes old and useless.

Times have changed but human nature has not. We learn human relations, especially patterns of family interaction, from example, not words.  We do as we see, not as we are told. As my parents are now in their 90’s, I observe with amusement as I am doing as my parents do.

My paternal grandmother lived a long and not so happy life as did her many brothers and sisters, almost all reaching the age of 90+. She suffered from several serious diseases and psychologically found it difficult to deal the change in values in the 1960’s. In simple terms, she was a good, honest woman who could be difficult to deal with. My parents called her and her sister, who lived with her, at least once a day, drove them to and fro all holiday occasions, a 45-minute drive each way, and accompanied them through medical tribulations. While as a kid I “sort of” understood how much patience and energy this requires, I now realize that is was labor of love and duty.  Not only that, they never complained about this duty, accepting it as a part of life.

My maternal grandmother had even a harder life and was even more unhappy.  She was, well, Polish.  For those unlucky enough not to experience a Polish compliment, here is an example: You look good today, much better than yesterday. She used to call my mother every day at 8:00 and report all the disasters of the morning to my mother, which earned her the epithet bonnes nouvelles, good news in French. Needless to say, I could immediately identify a conversation with her by my mother lighting a cigarette.  Still, my parents did the same for her as they did for my other grandmother.  My step grandfather, a man whose major positive attribute is that he adored my grandmother, also lived to his 90’s. My mother and aunt made sure that he was well taken care of and visited him regularly.

Now, I live in Israel while my parents live in LA. Every night, we speak around 20 minutes on the phone. I fly to Los Angeles, a hellishly long flight, twice a year and have done so for over 28 years. In a modern twist, I now order items online for them. Fortunately, they have not had too many hospital visits, all things considered, although my father has had his scary moments. My brother has been there for those times.  My mother still drives and handles the frequent doctor visits. On the whole, my parents have required much more emotional than physical support.

This post is neither to complain nor to praise myself but to try to understand my willing choice to invest precious resources, i.e., time and money, on my parents.  That the fifth commandment exists does not obligate anybody, even the religious. Our decision to respect our parents, even when they could be viewed as a burden, is significantly based on example. Maybe, as the story suggests, we should honor our parents to make sure that our children honor us. I see the dutiful behavior of my daughter, now 21 years old, towards her grandparents and parents, with all of whom she has serious issues, and see that she is observing that commandment: Respect your father and mother. It could be said that investing in our parents is long term savings account, with very high interest, whose fruits we only see as time goes by.

My paternal grandmother and her sister

My maternal grandparents

Childish name calling

All languages label important stages of human development. It is even more vital in a modern society where services and expectations are dependent on the age of the human being.  For example, people over 60 are called senior citizens so discounts, health services and funeral arrangements can be directed at them. The fact that a 60-year-old can be a full active member of the workforce, an invalid or world traveler is irrelevant to the label. However, the manner of this labeling does vary. For example, English treats stages of child development by their practical impact while Hebrew tends to be descriptive.

In English, babies become toddlers as they learn how to walk. In fact, the word toddle is a rather archaic word for unsteady walking. Then there is a rather unclear stage of several years between mobile independence and forced schooling referred as children or preschoolers. After this stage, they become school age children, a rather industrial description. Then, the fun begins, unless you are a parent of course.  The responsible child becomes a young adult, excuse me teenager or is that an adolescent? The first term is either hopeful or sarcastic although there are moments when 15 years old do behave like  adults. The second term is based on the teen suffix in the numbers between 13-18, giving hope that this too shall pass, sometime around the last “teen”, 19.  That last term is much clinical, coming the Latin term for growing up, which is technically correct even it does not always seem so.  As you can see, there is no much judgment in the terms themselves; the speakers need to add the correct tone of voice as in: listen to me, young lady (man)!

Hebrew has slightly more explicit terms. A  תינוק [tinok] becomes a פעות [paot] as it learns to walk, from the root meaning small, who then enters the  גיל הרך [gil harach], the period when children generally obey their parents. The last term is literally the soft age, implying the period of time when children must be protected. Then begins the fun. The word נער  [na’ar] means young and applies to someone in junior and senior high school. The parental term is טיפש עשרה [tipesh esre], which is based on the words for stupid and teen (as in the numbers 13-19). This word more accurately describes the behavior of the age group although, to be fair, I know quite a few senior citizens who are even more foolish. The word מתבגר [migbager] is the equivalent of adolescent.

As a word of disclaimer, my daughter is now 21 years old. Even she would admit that she often acted very foolishly during those years. Fortunately and unexplicably, we both survived the experience. So, happily, she can walk, does not need protection (as she has a rather scary dog, a bull terrier), is no longer is forced to attend school, sometimes acts like a lady and is noticeably growing up. She is now an adult, whatever that means.

*Picture by Toa Heftiba and not of my daughter

Usual sights

Israel is a unique country in many ways, including typical behavior.  The following is a short list of rather commonplace phenomena that visitors might see in Israel that would surprise them but attract no notice by the locals.

Looking around, it becomes obvious, especially in certain cities, that Israelis love children.  It is not extraordinary to people out and about with four or more children in tow and a baby in hand.  The religious and Arab populations in particular tend to have large families but, in general, the more the merrier applies to children here, including two rounds of them in order to avoid empty nest syndrome. Also, numerous people, not just soldiers, pack guns openly here.  My father was rather shocked at the amount of weaponry among the guests at my first wedding.  I stopped noticing this long ago.  In terms of shopping, security guards and bag checks are routine and standard at every store and mall. Women automatically direct their bags for a check. As for fashion, due to a noticeable religious presence, some level of “modest” clothing is the norm.  In other words, a woman walking with her breasts exposed tends to attract much attention, most of negative.

Israelis in public tend to be quite friendly.  They routinely say shalom to people they meet, including strangers. Curiously, even non-religious Jews use Shabbat shalom in Friday and Saturday communication.  If someone needs directions, Israelis are very helpful if not always so knowledgeable. It is not an accident that Ways was invited by an Israeli.  He was probably tired of receiving incorrect directions. If someone collapses in an Israeli street, people drop everything and try to help.  The odds are that at least one of them is/was a medic or medical staff member. It is well known that Israelis are so happy or relieved to land safely (or return) that they often clap after the plane lands. This is a perfectly normal thing to do, right?

Alas, not everything is rosy. Israelis, like most people in the Mediterranean basin, tend to be aggressive drivers. Woe to the sleepy driver at light that turns green.  A sharp honk is quick to come. Also, the parking shortage in many Israeli cities brings out the worst of its hypertense residents as expressed in countless shouting matches for precious parking spots.  Age and gender have no impact on the ferocity of these territorial battles. On a more dangerous note, certain groups for ideological reasons periodically express their opposition to others by throwing rocks at passing vehicles.  The most notable perpetrators are the ultra-orthodox on holidays on any car that dare disturbs their peace, including ambulances sometimes, and radicalized Muslim Arabs, generally youth, that want to emphasize their non-Israeli identity by punishing cars with Israeli license plates.  Fortunately, this is not common but still somewhat expected at certain times of the year.

I wish to add a few words on behavior.  In terms of food, Israelis find it perfectly normal to eat vegetables for breakfast and a large lunch, not dinner. In terms of main dishes, alongside the usual carnivores, Israel has the highest percentage of vegans in the world, which is good news for travelling vegetarians. In terms of travel, due to the limited size of the country, even those who own cars often choose to travel to another city by bus if not train.  Intercity flights are generally not practical. Israelis, even those try to ignore it, are addicted to the news.  No news is truly good news here but unfortunately all too rare. Hebrew being of limited value outside of Israel and a few spots in the United States, Thailand and Turkey, just about all Israelis know English, albeit not quite as well as they think they do. They happily apply this language skill in helping stranded tourists and ordering items from the Internet.

Granted, some countries share part of these behaviors but Israel is still a unique experience for a visitor.

Timely advice

There is a major difference between subjective and objective time.  The former is a sense created by cultural norms and personal sensations. The time to go to bed or leave the party is not set in stone. The latter is generally imposed by outside forces. We are told when the movie begins, the plane flies, and TV program starts. Communication issues arise when the two types of time are not in synch. In such a case, if you want people to arrive wedding by the objective deadline, you have to take into account their subjective clock.  This manipulation is a very common throughout the world.

The hosts of social events make certain assumptions about their guests and play with the time. For example, in Israel, if they want to all the guests to arrive by 8:30, they will write on the invitation that the hupa (wedding ceremony) is at 7:00. If they wrote the actual time, many of the guests would arrive at 9:30.  In South Africa, for example, the suggested and actual time would be identical if not very close. Another example is dinner time.  In some South American countries, the meal at a dinner party is very late, almost 11:00, because guests leave quite soon after the meal.  If the host wants a long party, it is necessary to delay the meal. The timing involved in dating is quite complicated. It is advisable to arrive little early to a first date but only for the purpose of checking out the "merchandise."  So, even there, the formal time is not the actual time of arrival.

Family life also has its chronological challenges.  Children have almost no sense of actual time.  Parents spending a day at the park with their children often say that they are leaving in five minutes when they actually mean 15 minutes. If they told the truth, it would take 30 minutes, if not longer.  Children understand the subjective meaning, i.e. quite soon as compared to in a little while, much better than the formal meaning.  A common translation issue between couples is the phrase I am ready before leaving the house.  Most men express this when they are standing by the door with keys in hand, that is ready right now.  Most women say this when they are personally ready and about to start closing the house, that is in a least five minutes.  Time and language have a complicated relation.

There are situations where circumstances require people to be on time, which is quite a challenge even for some adults.  Airlines strongly recommend that you arrive early so as to avoid unpleasant scene.  Tour bus drivers, knowing their customers, take extreme measures to guarantee punctuality.  One driver in Las Vegas informed the passengers of the exact cost of a taxi from Hoover Dam to Los Vegas.  He let everybody know when he was leaving the bus stop at the former.  The amount was so prohibitive that nobody was late.  As a final example, I had a friend in Portland, OR, Bob, who had zero sense of time but a good sense of humor. On one occasion, we needed him to show up on time.  Since he lived rather close, we told him to drop whatever he was doing some twenty minutes before the agreed time and driver over immediately.  He actually showed up on time but with a towel over his midsection and said "I was taking a shower."  We got to the event on time.

The purpose of communication is to be understood. A statement is a lie or exaggeration only if the receiver takes it literally.  Such is the case with time.  As long as everybody understands each other, all is fair in setting the time.

Fledgling Help

Among the values that we absorb from our parents and surroundings, one of the most subtle involves preconceptions of how to raise children. I say preconceptions because most people revise these norms in some way once they themselves become parents. The effect of these assumptions is most obvious in people that immigrated to other countries, i.e. their values are in contrast with those around them.

Israel is filled with people that complain that were raised to be too polite or too open, too loud or too quiet, too punctual or too lax, to name just a few. In other words, their parents’ values made it hard for them to function in the general society. Israel is not unique in that way.

That being said, parents and children sometimes only discover the source of this dissonance on a certain matter very late. One issue of parental assumption is the transition to adulthood. Children reach an age, generally after 18, when they leave the house and go study or work. In other words, even if they are still not financially independent, they are on their own otherwise. Parents choose a variety of attitudes to their released offspring, from remote control of every detail to feigned indifference to their fate and everything in between.

In Israel, most 18 year olds go off to the army and come home on weekends. Parents tend to be deeply involved in their children’s lives, with mother’s doing masses of laundry and cooking every Friday and Saturday, fathers taking their kids to train stations and regular phone communication.  More recently, parents even lobby with the army for better conditions for their children. Interestingly enough, the young soldiers fully accept their parents’ involvement despite that the fact that they are technically adults.

I bring this up as I recently had a tense conversation with my daughter, who left the house and started working at the age of 18 at her insistence. In the year that followed, while I made sure that she had a roof over her head and food in her fridge, I patently refused to be her emergency chauffeur or agent, limiting myself to advice if she asked for it but insisting that she had to do everything herself.   She expressed resentment at my lack of parental support from the perspective of what other Israeli parents were doing for their children. Upon later thought, I understood that I had applied my upbringing and personal values, the typical American insistence to be “adult” and stand one’s own feet, albeit shaky ones. I later explained my way of thinking to her, which she accepted. Still, it brought to light how my cultural value had influenced my reaction to her requests for “routine” help.

I do not regret my throwing her in to the deep water as it has made her stronger and more responsible. Yet, I recognize that the chosen way to cut the umbilical cord reflects both general cultural and personal individual values.  In summary, on the subject of fledglings, listen to this song by Arik Einstein, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez1e2VPsRFw. He says it all in my view. 

Fresh thinking

Words, specifically the use of them, are a bit like rivers. The authorities may try to plan to their movement but they have a will of their own.  An example is the word fresh. Its standard meaning is similar to new or young, as in fresh start or fresh fish. Yet, in English we also have fresh water, which has a low salt content as compared to sea water, fresh vegetables, which are in contrast to cooked vegetables, and fresh children, who are not polite.

As a matter of contrast, French avoids any mention of freshness. River water is douce, a word whose general translation into English is soft. At a restaurant, you can order crudités, with the contrast with processed vegetables, such as steamed or sautéed ones. If your kid asks you why, it may because he is culotté, a reference to his underclothes, a bit like being cheeky.

Examining a language not based on Latin, Hebrew refers toמיים מתוקים  [maim metukim], literally sweet water. In terms of the vegetables, it is very rare to find  ירקות התוכות [yerakot hatuchot], literally cut vegetables in a restaurant.  Instead, chopped salads are the norm. Finally, when it comes to behavior, Israelis go straight to the issue. The kid is חצוף [hatsuf], having gaul, generally like his or her parents.

I hope I brought your attention to some fresh, albeit irrelevant, information.  Now go out and enjoy some fresh air!   

Alice Speak – Terminology in the Modern Middle East

Alice, the speaker of the wonderful sentence “Words means what I want them to mean,” would feel at ease today in Israel.  After each and every senseless act of violence, supposedly intelligent people use words to mean exactly what they want them to say, freely ignoring their dictionary meaning.

The first example is the description of act of taking a knife and attacking an Israeli.  The Israeli press refers to such foolhardy individuals as terrorists.  Historically, terrorists, like most criminals, had no intention of being captured or killed, hoping to live another day.  IRA hit men and anarchist troublemakers are classic examples.  In fact, the only groups that have ever been willing to die for their cause on a mass basis are the Japanese and the Arabs. The dictionary terms would be kamikaze pilots and suicide bombers (or knifers, as applicable).  By contrast, when the families of the deceased suicide knifer are interviewed publicly (we don’t know what is said privately), absurd words leave their mouths.  The cable guy from East Jerusalem had no intention of running people over but instead had an accident.  Of course, the family is now a hero in the eyes of many Palestinians. Since when has getting into an accident made you a hero? Another quote from the bereaved families in East Jerusalem is that the son or daughter did it because of the occupation. The word occupation implies a serious lack of economic and political freedom.  Curiously, Arabs living in East Jerusalem have more such rights than anywhere else in the Middle East, including the Palestinian Authority and Gaza.

Then, there is a matter of age.  Traditionally, modern Western societies have labeled by people by birth date.  Children are under 13 while youth or teenagers are from 13-18.  A person becomes an adult at 18.  This assumes of course that some restraining family structure is present to prevent those not-yet adults from acting on their impulses. Alas, in the current situation, Palestinian culture, including parents and teachers, encourages act of violence against the external enemy (but not against local Arab leadership). So, is a 13 year or 15 year old trying to stab a soldier, unless he had a long sharp knife by accident of course, a youth or a responsible adult? It is impossible to say that s/he is rebelling against society. On the contrary, society approves the act. There is a classic definition of chutzpah: a person that kills his mother and father requests mercy because he is an orphan. Similarly, how can a 13 year old that follows “adult” rules be considered too naïf to be judged? Are the 17 year rock throwers youth or adults?  Even Western law has problems defining that one.  It is all in the eye of the dictionary writer.

Alice would definitely appreciate how everybody is bending words to fit their political agenda.  On my part, I find it disturbing and depressing, almost Orwellian. I somehow prefer the intellectual honesty of a real murderer, shamelessly admitting he killed someone because of jealousy or a debt. Killing is killing regardless of how and why it is done.  Yet, somehow, I have more respect for those who are honest with themselves. Alas, such individuals in the Middle East are rare.

A matter of choice

As parents know all too well, children function differently from adults.  They do have a logic to their choices, just not the same as their elders.  One of the ways children worldwide pick among similar options is by means of a song.  The actual words vary from country to country, but the idea is that the last syllable falls on the selected choice.

For example, in most English speaking countries, the selection song, with some local variations, goes like this.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

Catch a tiger by the toe

If it hollers, let it go

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

The animal and punishment varies, including go to jail in the Welsh version.  Of course, children have additional verses to string out the process and add tension.

The Hebrew version consists of a chorus and seemingly endless verses.  The chorus is as follows:

Enden dino, sof al hakatino

Sof al haki kato

Elik belik bom

Unlike the English version, there is no clear meaning, as least to the non-scholar, to the words of the chorus.

The French picking process turns out, rather surprising, to be mispronounced German:

Am, stram, gram

Pic et pic et colégram

Bour et bour et ratatam

Am, stram, gram

The meaning, unknown to the children no doubt, is the following: one, two three, steal, steal, maybug, run, run horseman, one two three.  As they say in jazz, it is the rhythm that counts, not the words.

Russian children make hard decisions as follows:

На златом крыльце сидели:
Царь, царевич, король, королевич,
Сапожник, портной - 
Кто ты будешь такой?
Говори поскорей,
Не задерживай 
Добрых и честных людей

This can be transliterated as follows:

Na zlatom krilze cidyeli /  Csar, parevich, korol, korolevich / sapojnik, portnoi / Kto ti budyesh takoi / Govori poskoryei / Nye zaderjibai / Lubich I chestnich lyudei

And translated as:

On the gold porch sat / Tzar, Tzarivich, prince, and young prince / shoemaker, tailor / Who are to be such? / Speak faster / Go ahead / of the good and kind people [Better translations are welcome]

The Russian version has clearly much more content.

So, if you have the privilege of hearing a child making a hard decision, listen to the rhythm of words and see if you can guess who or what will be picked.  You have to admit that the song method is much more entertaining than the adult version of flipping a coin.