Money talks – Home education

 

[Balancing money and a potato*]

There is nothing like innocent questions from children to cause us to consider our values. Recently, I told my adult daughter that I had sold my car. She immediately and straightforwardly asked “for how much?”. My equally immediate and straightforward answer was “none of your business”. Not for the first time, I was forced to consider the nature, background and correctness of my responses, this time in regard to financial education.

Attitudes are a matter of spectrum. On the subject of family finance, on one end of the spectrum are those parents that do not discuss any money issue in the presence of their children, often on the grounds that children should be protected from this type of stress and worry or in the belief that children are not capable of understanding such matters. On the other end are families that discuss everything at the kitchen table from the nitty-gritty price negotiations in their business to the challenges of staying within the monthly budget. These parents believe both in the virtue of the knowledge and their children’s capacity to dealt with these facts. In between are various degrees of openness about the process and numbers of financial management.

The background of these attitudes includes parental attitudes, immediate circumstances and cultural norms. Clearly, if parents never discussed their salary or the monthly budget, children require a great effort to change the approach when they become parents themselves. In my case, I never knew nor would never ask how much my father was earning or how much they paid for their car. Of course, diffcult circumstances often force parents to discuss finances with children especially when negative events force a radical reduction of the budget. During the Corona crisis, countless families had to sit with their children of all ages and explain why and how spending had to be cut to the minimum. A major factor in financial openness is the attitude of the surrounding culture. Israelis are one of many cultures that enjoy the game of “downsmanship”, i.e., wanting to know if they purchased an item for less. Therefore, it is natural for most Israelis, including my daughter, to say two things upon hearing that someone purchased something new: tithadesh – congratulations on a new item, and "how much did you pay". This behaviour would be extremely rude in many local societies. For example, according to my parents, in the 1960’s such questions were considered faut pas in New York but perfectly acceptable in Los Angeles. So, our total environment determines our approach to discussing finances.

An interesting issue is how parental attitudes affect our children. Clearly, “protected” children have less stress about money during childhood but often lack basic budgeting and negotiating skills when they become adults. They then take a crash course in financial management and sometimes do crash. An extreme example of this was Japanese women, at least in the past, who were encouraged to remain childlike even in young adulthood but were expected to manage the entire family budget when they got married. By contrast, children that learned about budgeting and negotiation throughout their childhood not only are more equipped to find better deals but often enjoy the process. The question is whether the concomitant stress is emotionally beneficial to children. Clearly, financial discussions in the presence of children do have an effect

Preparing children for life should involve giving them the tools to manage their finances. Ignoring such vital matters (like ignoring sex) can lead to disaster. In my view, at minimum, parents should teach their children to value money and stay within budget.  Beyond that, it is a matter of individual judgment. In any case, children are our mirrors, whether we like we see or not.

* Picture captions help the blind access the Internet.

Picture: Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=1015125">Steve Buissinne</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=1015125">Pixabay</a>

The fifth commandment, as times goes by

There is a story I remember reading in my youth, apparently originally compiled by the Grimm Brothers, about giving a half blanket to an aging grandparent and keeping the other half for the parent when he becomes old and useless. (https://spellbinders.org/story/old-grandfather-and-the-half-blanket/) The morale of the story is that the grandson will treat his parents just like his father treated his father, i.e., by sending him away when he becomes old and useless.

Times have changed but human nature has not. We learn human relations, especially patterns of family interaction, from example, not words.  We do as we see, not as we are told. As my parents are now in their 90’s, I observe with amusement as I am doing as my parents do.

My paternal grandmother lived a long and not so happy life as did her many brothers and sisters, almost all reaching the age of 90+. She suffered from several serious diseases and psychologically found it difficult to deal the change in values in the 1960’s. In simple terms, she was a good, honest woman who could be difficult to deal with. My parents called her and her sister, who lived with her, at least once a day, drove them to and fro all holiday occasions, a 45-minute drive each way, and accompanied them through medical tribulations. While as a kid I “sort of” understood how much patience and energy this requires, I now realize that is was labor of love and duty.  Not only that, they never complained about this duty, accepting it as a part of life.

My maternal grandmother had even a harder life and was even more unhappy.  She was, well, Polish.  For those unlucky enough not to experience a Polish compliment, here is an example: You look good today, much better than yesterday. She used to call my mother every day at 8:00 and report all the disasters of the morning to my mother, which earned her the epithet bonnes nouvelles, good news in French. Needless to say, I could immediately identify a conversation with her by my mother lighting a cigarette.  Still, my parents did the same for her as they did for my other grandmother.  My step grandfather, a man whose major positive attribute is that he adored my grandmother, also lived to his 90’s. My mother and aunt made sure that he was well taken care of and visited him regularly.

Now, I live in Israel while my parents live in LA. Every night, we speak around 20 minutes on the phone. I fly to Los Angeles, a hellishly long flight, twice a year and have done so for over 28 years. In a modern twist, I now order items online for them. Fortunately, they have not had too many hospital visits, all things considered, although my father has had his scary moments. My brother has been there for those times.  My mother still drives and handles the frequent doctor visits. On the whole, my parents have required much more emotional than physical support.

This post is neither to complain nor to praise myself but to try to understand my willing choice to invest precious resources, i.e., time and money, on my parents.  That the fifth commandment exists does not obligate anybody, even the religious. Our decision to respect our parents, even when they could be viewed as a burden, is significantly based on example. Maybe, as the story suggests, we should honor our parents to make sure that our children honor us. I see the dutiful behavior of my daughter, now 21 years old, towards her grandparents and parents, with all of whom she has serious issues, and see that she is observing that commandment: Respect your father and mother. It could be said that investing in our parents is long term savings account, with very high interest, whose fruits we only see as time goes by.

My paternal grandmother and her sister

My maternal grandparents

The price of (ex)patriatism

For some people, the grass is definitely greener on the other side. Such adventurers leave their place of birth and circle of family and friends to settle in some far off land. The motivations for such a move may include income, climate, culture or lifestyle. Whatever the cause, expatriates plant their roots far away from parents, but ultimately pay a price for their act of freedom.

Some costs are relatively temporary.  Difficulties involving language and cultural interaction decrease over time, depending on the level of integration chosen. Ex-patriots generally attain a reasonable standard of living by local standards even if the income numbers may not compare with those of their land of birth. If they arrive young enough, immigrants can start their own family and enjoy their grandchildren in their old age. All these issues are manageable and tolerable.

However, there is one cost of residing abroad that cannot be mitigated. As parents age, expatriates find themselves distant and unable to physically help. Of course, telephone and Skype provide affordable communication.  However, the simple acts that elderly people appreciate cannot be provided from a distance. They include trips to the doctors, help with computers, picking up heavy boxes and even sitting together and watching a football or baseball game on television. Isolation and physical weakness are companions of old age, especially in the American context and after the age of 90, as is the situation of my parents.

Having just returned from a bi-annual trip to my parents, I am much more cognizant than ever of this price. I do not regret my life choice nor do my parents reproach me for it but nothing in life is free. Yet, I have never been more aware of the price of the cost.

Egyptian-French (Voice) Pipeline

The term “French singer” is associated with native French, such as Edith Piaf and Yves Montand, or at least those born in neighboring European countries, such as Serge Reggiani (Italy) and Jacques Brel (Belgium). In fact, some of the most famous French singers were not even more born in Europe or in French-speaking countries. Three singing stars were born in Egypt but managed to enrich French culture.

Two of the three did not even have a French parent. Dalida, née Yolanda Cristina Gigliotti, was the daughter of Italian parents, her father being a first violinist. George Moustaki, né Giuseppe Mustacchi, came from a Greek Jewish family. By contrast, Claude Francois, had a French father but an Italian mother. All three arrived in France young and raw but were fortunate to meet a person that believed in them and helped them begin their career, Lucien Morisse, George Brassin and Paul Lederman, respectively. They all reached star status as reflected in their records sales, packed houses and mass public.

It is interesting to note the effect of their colonial childhood. Dalida always sang with an accent and had many “Arabic” aspects on her stage presence. George Moustaki had more of an Italian presence while Claude Francois consciously imitated American singers, notably Elvis. The first two also recorded songs in Arabic. In terms of music content, the immigrant experience had the most impact on George Moustaki, who wrote and sang about it. The others were less engagé (politically involved).

I find it fascinating these three singers were highly successfully in France despite not having been born there or spoken French at home. Their Italian background may have helped them adapt and be accepted. After all, Italian born singers did well worldwide, including in the United States. Possibly, talent compensates for all disadvantages. Another explanation is that France is more tolerant than most countries of foreign accents. Whatever the reason, France owes a lot to its Egyptian born artists, however strange that may sound.