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| [Jaffa beads: luck, love, life] |
Visiting and living in a country are two different matters as so many have discovered. For example, it is next to impossible to find any visitor to
Israel, regardless of home country or religion, that did not feel that this
place was special. On the other hand, historically, a majority of immigrants
coming from North America (Canada, US and Mexico) do not make Israel their
permanent home, ultimately returning to their previous place of
residence within a few years. The reasons for the difficulty in adjusting
sometimes involves economics but more often involve culture. Specifically,
while it is possible to learn how to find a job and housing as well as function
in Hebrew within a short time, it takes far longer to come to terms with Israels
or, more accurately, the many different “Israels” that make up this country. To
demonstrate, North Americans struggle with the directness of Jewish Israelis,
the understanding of the unspoken messages in standard phrases and the
adjustment to the different communication patterns of the various communities
that comprise Israel. However, as an immigrant that has lived here some 35
years, I can attest that it is both possible and beneficial to go partially
native.
As wrote in a previous post, most Israelis do not significantly filter
their speech or emotions at least compared to more formal countries such as the
US and UK. To be fair, Arabs living in villages can be as polite and formally
non-critical are Anglo-Saxons as they live in a closed society where the price
of speaking the truth can be very high. This may explain the love affair that
some Brits have had with Arabs. However, in the cities, people are direct and
honest, sometimes brutal, and respect others that are the same. Consumers do
not mince words when criticizing products or complaining about poor service. I
personally have left a one cent tip for a waitress that ghosted us. In Hebrew,
there is a concept called a “kit pack question”, which means that if you ask
someone’s opinion, you will receive it, uncensored. Unmarried men and
women past a certain age have to put up with a never-ending series of questions
from both family, friends and even strangers regarding why and openness to blind
dates. On the other hand, people are
generally sincerely warm and friendly, do not hesitate to help a person in
need, from an infant to a senior citizen, and are willing to lend an ear to a
sad story if they cannot directly help. People are friendly to you because they
like you, not because they are supposed to be. Thus, Israeli speech is direct
for better or worse.
While immigrants quickly grow thicker skin, it takes longer to
understand the subtext. For example, if a neighbor asks how much you paid for a
given purchase, the comment is not intended to invade your privacy but to check
whether s/he paid more or less, a matter of personal shame or pride as applicable.
When a salesperson at a store states that a given item does not exist, it means
that the store does not have the item and you should look elsewhere. When a
service person makes the comment “trust me” or “don’t worry”, the person should
be on alert that it will be necessary to inspect the final product extremely
carefully. On a humorous note, maybe, a young’s man invitation to a female for
coffee at his flat may or may not involve a cup of joe. On the other hand, if the
vendor manages to satisfies the picky customer in terms of price and/or quality,
that customer will recommend that person freely. This list of actual meanings
of everyday phrases is infinite (and reminds of an old Mad Magazine feature).
Over time, the immigrant leans to read between the lines.
Finally, Israel is a family-oriented place, as is the whole Middle East, but is
comprised of countless different subcultures, each with its own rules of behavior.
Even within the same religious group, ethnic and religious background is an
important factor in the Middle East as intermarriage, however defined, is sometimes frowned on, depending on the generation and sector. Thus, joining a family in marriage or friendship can be a
learning experience. Many Sephardic Jews are warm but loud, with food serving a
key role in social relations, i.e., the more, the merrier. Tunisian and Moroccan
Jews tend to love and argue with the same style, ie., openly and in quantity.
Ashkanazi groups tend to be more formal and eat less and different foods. They tend to
be more moderate and “colder” (everything is relative of course). Russians have
their own culture and way of doing things, including a higher intake of alcohol
and "culture". Persian and Yemenite Jews are known to value being
money-wise. Whereas most people do the personal accounting of the wedding gifts
in private after the event, one ethnic group traditionally announces the amount of
each gift and the name of the giver during the wedding. Of course, the level of
religiosity of the family affects the topics and nature of conversation, not to
mention the way of life. Certain subjects and words are taboo in polite
conversation in religious families. Even Arabs of the same religion have varying
rules of behavior. The Druze, a minority group in Israel, of Isifiya, which is
located near Haifa, are far less traditional than those in Horfesh, an isolated
village father north near Lebanon. Any immigrant marrying into an Israel family
should regularly consult their partner or friend to try to navigate this path.
In any case, this variety enriches people and helps them to communicate with
everybody.
Thus, my tips for learning to love not only Israel but also Israelis is to
emphasize learning and flexibility. First, when, (not if) you misunderstood or
were misunderstood, try to analyze the conversation and be aware of the words,
applying the lessons for the next time or the one after that. Secondly, develop
a thick skin. Most of the apparent sharpness is not intended to be sharp at all
or not directed at the listener. It may seem shocking that a cab driver would yell
at a passenger, the issue may be that the tone of voice is not actually yelling
(for that person) or that the cab driver had a fight with his wife in the
morning. Third, it helps to learn to act like the natives. If something is
wrong, say it directly, not “okay”, which listeners actually think means
“okay”. British understatement is not effective here. Keep in mind that politeness
is relative. Even if you are rude by Ango-Saxon standards, the listener may
actually consider you restrained and appreciate it. That has happened to me
many times. Ultimately, it is vital to remember that every place, every group
of people and every social situation have their own code. It is impractical and
even harmful to insist that others act as you did in your childhood. If you
keep that in mind, Israel is an amazing, entertaining, amusing and wonderful
place to live, not just to visit.
