My mother, who just died peacefully at the age of 96, would quote her
grandmother, who said that a person needed luck in birth and death. It could be
understood that, in between, a person made his/her own life. My mother
succeeded in playing her cards and living a full, rich life all the way to the
end (and even was lucky in death). More than that, she influenced not her only family but inspired friends of
all ages and even their children by the force of her character and personality.
Born in 1928 to an immigrant Jewish family in Paris, her childhood was
rich in family warmth but poor in financial and social stability. The Great
Depression left a mark on all those that endured it, making them appreciative
of money and food. World War II saw her lose her father to the Germans, have
her mother’s health deteriorate and have to take on the responsibility of
raising her younger sister, all at the age of 14. The cancellation of her
engagement by her fiancé’s family right after the war was the final blow. She
was without hope, education or future in France.
Her reaction exemplifies her approach to life. In the early 1950’s, she
immigrated to the United States, alone and without knowing a word of English. From then
on, she made her life. She became a top perfume seller in New York (helped by
her French accent), met my father there and got married. They moved to
California, began a family at the age of 27, raised two boys, bought and
created an elegant house, traveled the world and even owned at various times a house in Brittany and an apartment in Paris. She even survived cancer in both breasts. She
even was far better read than most of her supposedly educated contemporaries. As
she would say, not bad for a poor girl from the shetl [the Yiddish term
for the Marais, the then poor Jewish area of Paris].
If I try to understand how she did it, I see three characteristics. First, she knew what she wanted. As most
women of her generation, she wanted to raise a family, keep an elegant and
orderly house (be a proper balabusta), eat well, travel the world, but
she also dreamed of having an apartment in
France and eating strawberries in winter. She succeeded in all of them, working
with my father to gradually attain her goals. If the conditions were not right,
she waited for a better moment. It took
a least a decade to fully furnish her house but she bought items piece by piece
as the budget allowed until she built the elegant home that my parents loved to
their last day, all without getting into debt. The apartment in Paris was only a
dream until relatively late in life when the stars lined up and allowed it to
come true, giving them 10 years of great pleasure. Having a clear vision of
what she wanted, she eventually lived her life as she wanted.
This determination was properly tempered by logic and reason. She freely
expressed all emotions from joy to anger. Yet, she quickly analyzed and
understood the reality of any situation, came to terms with a situation and
sought a pratical solution. She was quick to forgive and admit her own error while
adjusting her approach to the reality. This flexibility served her well both in
her youth and old age, when she had to cope with ever growing limitations. She
did not waste her energy on getting
angry at her difficulties but instead worked with them and was a proud,
independent woman, even driving, till her last days.
Her most important strength was optimism. She believed that she would
survive and succeed. She knew that she would not be picked up by the Germans,
would survive the war, learn English, raise successful children, learn tennis
and golf (despite derogatory comments from her teachers), playing to the age of
89, overcome cancer, live a long life and
have a quick death. She was right. Not only that, she shared her optimism with
others, including her nieces and nephews, the children of her friends and even
inspired my childhood friend to become an artist. She not only sought the
positive in her life but also in others. For that reason, I had the pleasure of
speaking to so many people, old and young, after she died who remember what an
inspiration she was for them.
My mother once asked my dad why he married such an uneducated girl. His
answer, jokingly if you will, was that he saw that she had potential. There is
a saying that God does not judge you for what you do but for what you do with
the cards you have. If life was a round of hearts (a card game), my mother shot
the moon and won the game. She lived with style and elegance. I hope that she has rejoined my father
somewhere up there and they they are drinking the best champaign with their French
bread and brie. My mother knew how to live.
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