The price of (ex)patriatism

For some people, the grass is definitely greener on the other side. Such adventurers leave their place of birth and circle of family and friends to settle in some far off land. The motivations for such a move may include income, climate, culture or lifestyle. Whatever the cause, expatriates plant their roots far away from parents, but ultimately pay a price for their act of freedom.

Some costs are relatively temporary.  Difficulties involving language and cultural interaction decrease over time, depending on the level of integration chosen. Ex-patriots generally attain a reasonable standard of living by local standards even if the income numbers may not compare with those of their land of birth. If they arrive young enough, immigrants can start their own family and enjoy their grandchildren in their old age. All these issues are manageable and tolerable.

However, there is one cost of residing abroad that cannot be mitigated. As parents age, expatriates find themselves distant and unable to physically help. Of course, telephone and Skype provide affordable communication.  However, the simple acts that elderly people appreciate cannot be provided from a distance. They include trips to the doctors, help with computers, picking up heavy boxes and even sitting together and watching a football or baseball game on television. Isolation and physical weakness are companions of old age, especially in the American context and after the age of 90, as is the situation of my parents.

Having just returned from a bi-annual trip to my parents, I am much more cognizant than ever of this price. I do not regret my life choice nor do my parents reproach me for it but nothing in life is free. Yet, I have never been more aware of the price of the cost.

Home is where the heart is

Two (unofficial) facts:

 1 The vast majority of North Americans that immigrate (make aliya) to Israel do not stay there (here) more than two years.

2. The North Americans that do stay here would never consider going back to their former home unless extreme circumstances required it.

I have lived in Israel for more than twenty four years.  When I visit the States to see my parents, I feel like a foreigner.  I simply have no desire to return there and would probably not go there at all if my parents were not there.  I am not alone in that feeling among my fellow “expatriates”, an aptly sounding word linking to the concept ex-patriot.

The interesting issue is the cause of this phenomenon.

Some people would think that the continual wars fought here cause people to leave. Actually, many more people come to Israel than emigrate due to the local conflicts. 

Life is not always easy here.  However, like everywhere, people struggle to make a living, raise their children, and keep their marriage together.  Young people worldwide have great difficulty buying their first apartment or house.  Educational and economic opportunity is much more dependent on individual circumstances.

If it is not the daily grind that drives away or attracts people, the cause must be more psychological.  Unlike many places, including most of the United States, there is a strong sense of collective in Israel.  While everybody has his or her own life, that life is linked with one or more tribe.  A person’s identity is linked with religion, ethnic group, and/or physical place.  You are identified by your allegiances and, consequently, with all the other tribe members. An Israeli cannot be completely autonomous.

Of course, this situation has distinct advantages.  Children don’t walk around unclaimed in the streets.   Every tragedy receives sympathetic ears.  Nobody eats alone on a holiday. People give freely and willing to the community.  If you desire the sense of belonging, you can find it in Israel.

However, being part of a collective gives everybody license to participate in your life and express opinions about it.  If you buy a new car, first people will say “tithadesh” or “mabruk”, meaning congratulations.  Then, they will ask you about where you bought it, the price, and the reasons for this model, and justifications for buying a car instead of using the money for something else they may find more appropriate. They also feel free to criticize the choice of color and accessories.  In other words, you live in a community where everybody affects everybody.   This can drive you crazy if you let it.  Many immigrants and sabras, native-born Israelis, leave the country to have the privilege not to justify their existence. 

When people ask me why I have stayed here, I am left with only one answer:  Home is where the heart is.

What I like about America

I recently realized that I am an “expatriate.”  That means that I have lived abroad, in Israel, for almost as many years as I lived in the United States.  That is nothing compared to my mother, who has lived in the U.S. twice as many years as she lived in France.  Still, as an expatriate who occasionally visits the motherland or the fatherland, as a Russian or German would say, I have the right and ability to appreciate many good things about the United States of America.

1.       The United States is one of the few countries in the world in which going to the post office and bank takes only 30 minutes.

2.      The level of service received is not a coefficient of the salary level of the worker.

3.      People do not feel entitled to punish the salesperson or secretary for the fact that they had a fight with their spouse, child, or cat.

4.      America is a place where everyday driving, except on Sunday, is not a battleground.

5.      Most people expect to work and make adjustments for life’s unpleasant surprises.  They don’t expect the government to do it for them.

6.      Two day weekends are fantastic! 

7.      It doesn’t make a difference how old you are or how new you are to a city.   You can still make new friends.

8.      Almost everybody has an accent (at least in California).  Variety is the spice of life.

9.      American food is world food: granted in enormous quantities, but there is everything.

10.   Americans try to be nice to each other at least in public.  That makes life so more pleasant!

I know that that the flip side also exists.  There are many problems in the United States.  However, as an expatriate, I can take the good and ignore the bad. 

I would be interested in hearing any comments or additions to this list.