Russian certified cruelty

Having just translated a Russian Federation academic certificate and its accompanying transcript, I got a glimpse of how merciless a supposedly bland certificate can be, at least to American eyes.

To explain, I am a graduate of an American university, UC Santa Cruz, affectionately known as Uncle Charley’s Summer Camp, as well as an English institution, Leicester, quaintly pronounced lester.  I even have official graduation diploma to prove it. On these hallowed pieces of paper, my name, degree, subject and year of graduation are listed. What they prove is subject to debate but it is safe to say that I proved that had enough patience and discipline, not necessarily intelligence, to “meet the academic requirements for the degree.”

Of course, the diploma itself does not state how long I took or how well I did or even what at what age and which date I began my studies. As an illustration of the possible variations, during the Vietnam era in the United States, since college enrollment could be delayed by being drafted, one way to avoid serving in the army was to stay in college. Doonesbury’s classic character (whose name escapes me and Google search) gave new definition to the term 10 year plan as he kept on changed major just before completing the last course until he distressingly discovered that there were no majors to switch to. So, most diplomas merely inform the reader of the completion of the requirements.

I am aware that the Latin term cum laude does occasionally appear on Western certificates but I apparently hanged around the wrong group of people. My brother got this supplement while I did not receive it, deservingly so. In any case, I always had the impression that the term was used by owners of dogs named Laude to get them to go home after a walk. As Tom Lehrer would say, but I digress.

By contrast in that merciless motherland that is the Russian Federation (aka Soviet Union and Russia, by generation), students have no secrets. All of the embarrassing facts appear on the certificate leaving the student nowhere to hide. First, the critical eye notices that date and particulars of the previous academic degree. So, if you went back to college some ten years after high school, you have a lot to explain. Then, the certificate viciously informs the reader that the program should take x amount of years and this particular student took y number of years. That could really raise a red flag among employers, not a good thing. The most damaging detail on a Russian academic certificate is three nasty letters before the certificate number: всг and вса. These translate as Russian Diploma of Specialty without Excellence and Russian Diploma of Specialty with Excellence. In other words, at a glance, without even looking at your transcripts, the employer can tell if you enriched the university or the university enriched you.  Try explaining that away.  Alas, students are held strictly accountable. Such cruelty!

A Musical Feast

If it takes extraordinary intelligence to be a comedian, then to create musical comedy also requires extraordinary musical skill and knowledge. Since the era of recorded music (and probably before it), America has been blessed with some amazing musical comedians. They have enriched our lives, at least those that understand the humor. For those unfamiliar and even those who have heard them, the following is a brief list of great musical funny "maestros," mentioning at least one of their works to help you get properly introduced.

Old movie fans should be familiar with Spike Jones and the City Slickers, a wacky group of musicians who used anything but the original instruments to present their version of classical works, including cow bells and whistles. Their version of the opera Carmen has both opened and closed the world of opera to me.  After listening to it, besides crying from laughing, I was curious to hear the real version but unfortunately found it far less entertaining the Spike Jones version.  Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG087P1JTIQ.

From a similar time, Harpo Marx played the harp at least once on each Marx Brother movie.  Actually, he never really learned how to play properly until after he retired but who knew that besides professional harpists? His humor is expressed not so much in the music but in his interaction with the harp and his surroundings.  It has to be seen to be appreciated: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=569Gy8BE5P4.

Victor Borge is a bridge to the modern era.  A virtuoso pianist, he didn't take himself too serious, preferring to "ham it up" in front of audiences. This lack of seriousness, I believe, opened up the world of classical music to millions in addition to getting them to laugh, always a good deed. If you have any doubt about his talent, get together with another pianist and try doing this at home: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jgESE9oJRE.

The 1960's turned all values upside down, not always for the better, including musical ones. One Las Vegas performer was Liberace.  Like Victor Borge, he preferred not be a boring classical musician.  His style was much more flamboyant but as Marilyn Monroe, would say, some like it hot. He plays the music straight but his taste in clothes, or lack thereof, make it impossible to take him serious, exactly as he intended.  See for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WC1OsdX2LM.

Nobody took on the music establishment more than Prof. Schickele, the infamous musicology that brought us P.D.Q. Bach, the lost son of the famous Bach. He applied "tongue in cheek" professional musicology, creating a hilarious synergy of classic and modern.  My two favorites are his baseball commentary to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, which actually makes some good points, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzXoVo16pTg), and, in a different vein, his modern version of a round: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkjR3cdXSS8.

The Canadian Brass Ensemble is an amazing group of fine musicians that entertain their audience with both well played music and comedy. They respect the genre but add humor, often through actions, a bit like Harpo Marx.  My favorite is their tribute to ballet music, whose humor is based on the fact they supposedly have never seen a ballet since their back is always to the stage.  Enjoy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjRLQeNUjfk.

Finally, growing up in the sixties and seventies, Tom Lehrer was a part of my life.  His ringing political commentary is still sadly relevant today.  Listen to Who's Next and National Brotherhood Week and try to find something that has changed besides the names (for your convenience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRLON3ddZIw and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgASBVMyVFI). However, he was also a tremendous musician in his own right.  His versions of Clementine and a tango will change your view of these classics.  Listen and appreciate:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b3coO_6MwY and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TytGOeiW0aE.  They have stood the test of time since they still make me laugh.

Serious music and comedy are not mutually exclusive but require genius of a special kind. These comic musicians, regardless of their or your age, cannot help bring a smile.

P.S. I have excluded rock musicians that were less than serious, such as Tom Waits I rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy, because I am not familiar with them.  I will leave that group for someone else. As they say in boring theses: "Further research should examine the use of humor in modern rock music in the period 1970-2017."

Passing Over Holidays

In Israel, Pesach or Passover is approaching.  For those who never experienced the period before this holiday, it is both similar and different than the closest social Christian equivalent, Christmas.

Preparations begin four weeks before the actual event.  In fact, once Purim is over, it is time to get ready for Pesach, a bit like the time between Thanksgiving and Noel.  Pesach also causes stress and even depression as people have to decide which side of the family has priority this year (although there is a bit of a consolation prize in the holiday at the end of the Pesach for the losing side of the family).  People lacking or far from family seek invitations.  As the event approaches, people have to find appropriate gifts for the hosts, a challenge familiar to most Americans.  The last week involves multiple food shopping trips, hours by the stove, disagreements among parents and children about helping out, and massive cleaning of the house.

Yet, Pesach has its unique aspects.  On the one hand, the menu is fixed by the rules of the Haggadah, the book everybody reads during the Pesach seder, or ceremony.  That being said, there are numerous ethnic variations on the exact version of the required food, not to mention the grey area of foods that are allowed for Sephardim but not for Ashkenazis, such as rice. Second, a common topic of conversation is the exact number of guests who are coming.  A classic Israeli comedy show Zehu Ze once jokingly portrayed three women bragging about how many people they were feeding, with the last one claiming she had tables throughout the neighborhood just to seat all her guests.  As for cleaning, Pesach cleaning is a bit like spring cleaning, but all hametz, leavened bread products, must be removed from the house.  Of course, some take this duty more seriously than others. In some neighborhoods, you will ritual burning of bread and placing of pots and pans in boiling water as part of the house preparation.   As for the seder itself, the reading of the Passover story has three basic versions: read only selected parts and eat early; read everything and eat late; and read everything and allow unlimited additional commentary and eat VERY late, sometimes approaching midnight.  The actual atmosphere varies widely depending on the family and number and age of guests.  My grandmother used to read about our suffering in Egypt as if she was suffering right then.   Other people view the evening as an ideal occasion to catch up on gossip with cousins.

Pesach is as the French would say: chacun à son gout – to each his own.  However, like any good holiday, aside from causing an upset stomach, it creates a feeling of belonging to one’s family and religion.  Alternatively, it is as Tom Lehrer said in the song National Brotherhood Week, “Be grateful that it doesn’t last all year.”